My Prayers

My boyfriend and I broke up and all I do is dream about him and pray that we'll get back together. I cannot be happy with anybody else. I cannot stop thinking about him. God, bring us back together. I want to be happy. ~
This person in my life is so difficult. They are constantly making my life miserable. All I think about is what will they do to me next and how can I protect myself from their attacks. God, take them out of my life. I don't deserve this. ~
It seems like I'm living from paycheck to paycheck. I hate paying bills. My friend just bought that car I've been wanting so badly. But first I'm upgrading my cell phone. There's got to be a way to make more money so I can get a new car, too. God, help me to make more money. I work hard and deserve to have the things I want. ~
My friend has the perfect marriage. Her husband helps her with the kids. He gets a sitter and takes her out every weekend. He's always surprising her with gifts and flowers. She has a beautiful home and a cleaning lady! And here I am in a tiny house, a husband who never talks to me or helps me out. And he's always at work.  God, change my husband. I deserve to be happy. ~

Oh, the longings of our hearts. At different times in my life, my prayers have been very similar to these. And these longings only draw me closer to despair, loneliness, and sadness. I want the longing of my heart to be for God and more of Him. I want to glorify God with every thought and deed. I want to live with His word on my lips and in my soul. I want what breaks my Father's heart to break my heart. "Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4  When I delight in my Father, I want more of my Father. The desires of my heart are for more of Him and to glorify Him. And my heart and soul are completely satisfied. I am most satisfied when I am with Him and in Him. And God is most glorified when I am most satisfied in Him. My heart can only be satisfied by the One who created me.

Oh, that this would be me every day!! But then the world pulls at my heart and my mind. My heart starts to long for other things in my life. Trials take over my thoughts and prayers. My prayers begin to sound like desires for other things rather than for more of God. I want this situation to change, I want this person to change, I want more of this, I want less of that. It is no longer You, God, it is I. And I am not satisfied. My thoughts go from You to me...or to someone or something else. Idolatry. When I value something more than I value God. If I had a gauge on my thoughts, what would that gauge reveal about my thoughts? Who or what takes up most of my thoughts, my time, or my money? That.is.my.god.

Lord, I am so thankful for your grace. You are faithful even when I am not. And you are so patient with me. Yes, you want to bless me with healthy and loving relationships, with all my needs, with good health and with an abundant life because you are a good God and you want to give good gifts to your children. But help me to remember, my God, the best gift of all: the sacrifice of your only Son for me. May what breaks your heart, break my own. When I break your heart, may my heart break, may I turn to you and draw near to you. Remind me that these trials in my life are to make me more like you. May the trials in my life draw me near to you and not near to my trials. You are my God. You are greater than my trials. You alone satisfy. Your hand is outstretched to me and I only need to trust you. Let go of what I have in my hand and take your hand. Surrender all to you. Abundant life. Even in my trials, I can have an abundant life and be fully satisfied because you keep my feet from falling. You are my hiding place. You fill my broken heart with songs of deliverance. You pull me out of the pit and carry me through the storm. You are my strong tower. You are the lover of my soul.

~Bless the Lord, O my soul and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Psalm 103:1 

~And now, Father, glorify me in your own presence with the glory that I had with you before the world existed. John 17:5

Please leave a comment if you have more scripture or a testimony to share. I am humbled by my God. I believe God brought you here for a reason. Be blessed and be a blessing. God loves you and wants to use your life...today.

Whom Do We Wrestle

As a mom I often wonder and worry a little about the choices my kids make.  I know they struggle with not feeling a desire for the things of God, for His word. The world pulls at them.  We live in a world of social media that draws us in and mesmerizes. I know it's their struggle. They need to work through it. And I pray that they will come out on the right side with a faith stronger than I had at their age. A faith that has been challenged and proven to be true beyond a shadow of a doubt for them.

As I was praying today, I pictured one of my kids arm wrestling God. And then I thought, when I worry, I'm saying I don't trust in God's strength and His power.  I've got to take my eyes off my kid and be aware of Whom my child is wrestling. The One he is wrestling is not only God, but He is His Heavenly Father. He's the One who knows my child's struggles better than I do. He knows his every thought, his fears, his doubts, his weaknesses....but He loves my child. And He loves my child more than I do. If I want all that is best for my child, don't I trust God knows and wants what is best for my child...His child? After all, this child was first His child. I've raised these children to love The Lord with all their heart, all their mind and all their soul because God called me to do that. If God called me to do that, and if they have already professed a love for Jesus, why would God abandon them when they are struggling or wrestling with their faith, with their God. Why would God slam them down? No. God will gently draw them to Himself. He will not let them win, because if they win the struggle, they lose their life.

As I write this, my child is playing the piano. After many years of lessons and recitals, he just stopped playing the piano. He wanted to play other instruments. I think it's been at least 5 or 6 years since he's played the piano....on his own....without my request. He's looking up different melodies to play and is enjoying it. I didn't ask him to play. It's such a joy to watch him and hear him play. And as I watch him, I cannot help but think that in the same way, God will draw my son to Him at the right time. And it won't be because of anything I've done or said, it won't be from me pleading with him; it will only be borne from a desire God places in his heart. The best I can do is intercede only in prayer and having faith in the power of our Heavenly Father who will never leave us nor forsake us. We belong to Him. He will not let us wander too far before bringing us back. 

"What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off." Matthew 18:12,13

Our Father

Sitting on the balcony of our hotel room on the 8th floor, as I look down at everyone in the pool area, I watch a family by the pool. I see a mom chasing her little boy around the pool, trying to get him to put his life vest on. He ran fast around the pool to avoid her. All the while, I could see dad standing nearby watching them. Next thing, the little boy slips and falls. He must've gotten hurt because he started crying loudly and holding his arms up to his parents. His Daddy ran over to him, gently picked him up and held him close, while mom walked over to comfort him,too.

I just finished reading my Bible, finished my prayer and was just meditating on what I just read as I watched this whole scene unfold eight floors below me. I watch everyone enjoying the pool and thinking about God and how he knows the intricate parts of every person's life, their thoughts, their hearts.  I can only see about 20 people from my balcony, but God sees millions upon millions of people on His earth. And He knows every detail of every one of us.  I start to wonder what I would do if I see one of my kids in the pool area in danger or hurt. What can I do from this distance? I would give my life for them, but what can I do if I cannot reach them in time?

I start to think of how much God loves us, of all the sin he observes here, of all the evil and pain. My thoughts go in every direction trying to understand God, His ways and His thoughts. I could never understand our God completely. He and He alone is God. But I know His word tells me that we are created in His image.

My mind goes back to that scene I saw earlier. Dad could've picked up that little boy and simply forced him to put on that life vest. After all, he's doing it to protect his son. His little boy may not understand the importance of the life vest, but dad does. Dad also needs to teach him to obey for his own safety and to respect those in authority over him for his good. And besides, dad is much bigger than his little boy. In this case, however, and for whatever reason, dad did not force this little boy and the little boy fell and got hurt. How often have we stepped outside of the boundaries God sets for us, knowing full well they're for our protection, or not giving it a second thought, or avoiding that perceived confinement, or just wanting to do "what I feel like doing because I can handle it"?  And yet we fall, we fail, we get hurt? What does our Abba Father do? Does he say, "I told you so"? Does he kick us when we're down? Does he ignore us when we cry out to him? I know from my own experience that when I cry out to my Abba Father, when I hold my arms up to Him, when I surrender all to Him, He makes all things right.

Like that little boy avoiding his mom and that life vest, in the same way we avoid God. For some it's running from God and not accepting the life vest that is Jesus and His Holy Spirit. For others it's just avoiding God's word, which guards our mind. Instead we want to run around and avoid what we think of as confinement. We want to run free. Yet His Word is what gives us real freedom to swim in what otherwise would be dangerous waters.  What we perceive as confinement is what sets us free to enjoy the full area without danger of death. God's word helps us demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2Corinthians 10:5
Ephesians 6:11 tells us to put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. Part of the armor of God is the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Who would think of going into battle without a weapon?  Now, you may say, "But I'm not in a battle. I'm having a great time by the pool." When God says to put on the armor of God, He follows it with this: so that WHEN the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm!

Darkness and Light

My kids and I were sitting in the living room working on some decorations for an event.  Suddenly my husband came in the room and said, "Watch this," as he turned the light on for us.  It was already close to six in the evening.  We'd been working a couple of hours, having fun while we worked, and hadn't noticed how dark it had gotten in the room.  As soon as he turned the light on, we could see so much better. Everything was clearer.

I couldn't help but think back to the day I was saved.  Not only did I immediately feel like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, but I literally felt like I could see more clearly. It was as if God turned the light on and the colors became brighter. I know this doesn't happen to everyone.  Everyone has a different experience. This was my visual experience.  The grass seemed greener, the sky was a deeper blue, the flowers were brighter.  I felt like I was looking through new lenses.  And then as I started to read God's word, I also started to see things differently.  The circumstances around me, the places I went, the clothing I wore. It hadn't bothered me before if I wore a low cut blouse or a short tight dress.  I no longer liked spending my weekends in the clubs drinking and dancing. I'd go and I'd see emptiness all around me. God began to change my heart and what seemed natural to me before, now made me feel uncomfortable.  Again, this was my experience.  Fortunately, God doesn't deal with all our issues, weaknesses or sins at once. But he had begun a work in me which he promised to continue until completion, until the day I meet Him. The light of the Word, Christ, shines in the darkness of our hearts, gently reasoning with us.

When my husband turned the light on and we could suddenly see so clearly, I couldn't help but also think of how we hadn't even noticed it had gotten dark.  None of us had even thought of turning the light on.  In the same way darkness is gradual in a room, darkness is gradual in our hearts and minds. As we stay away from the Light of the World, our hearts become darker gradually and before we know it, we're no longer following in His footsteps, seeking His will.  Jesus tells us in John 8 that He is the light of the world and whoever follows Him will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.  So how do we follow Him?  How do we follow anyone?  By getting to know them.  He turns on the light and we follow by staying in His word and seeking His will.  And as we do this, we are not only in the light, but the light is in us, and we can then shine His light in the darkness.

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:14-16

My Faith Muscle

I can so easily be swayed by the emotions of my kids and my husband. I can too easily worry about their circumstances or mine. I want to trust in God. When I'm close to my Father, I can more readily lean on His understanding. My faith is strengthened.  When I don't read His word to me, His love letter to me, my faith is weakened.

It's been 3 months since I last exercised or even went for a walk. I often feel drained and weak. I have resolved to start drinking more water, eating healthier (more fruits and vegetables), and exercising at least 3 times a week.  That means even doing a 15-minute work-out at home or going for a walk. I can feel the difference when I'm not taking care of myself.  In just the same way, if I don't feed my soul and my mind with God's word, it's easy to be swayed by fear and doubt.

God has brought my children to a saving knowledge of Him. Why should I worry and why should I fear. Anything that happens to them or any choices they make are not without His knowledge. He loves them and can use everything that enters their life for His glory. That is my ultimate desire, isn't it? That God would be glorified in and through them. So why do I worry that they're hurting, or that they may make a bad choice?  If these are things that God will use for His glory, then Lord, may your will be done.  An easy life does not make for a strong faith, just like easy weight-lifting does not make for strong muscles. The heartaches and the choices we make in life, good or bad, are ones that can we can use to minister to someone else who may or may not know God and His great love, mercy, grace and power.

God brought my husband and me together. So why worry about our future?  We have been through so much together.  God has carried us through tough times together.  Circumstances that have strengthened us and our bond and tie to each other. I am his beloved and he is my beloved. Every little thing in our marriage is used by God to grow us more into the image of Christ. Nothing is wasted in God's hand. He is molding us.  All in His time.  I am thankful that my Heavenly Father is gentle and full of mercy and grace. I am thankful that He does not reveal all our sins to us all at once. There is so much that my Father has forgiven me.  No one knows my every secret and my every thought and deed like my Father does.  And no one loves me and protects me like He does.  I want to love like this. I want to pass over and overlook any offense against me.  When I rejected him, He pursued me.  He has shown Himself faithful to me time and time again. And still my faith waivers.  He doesn't quit. He doesn't quit on me.  He will never leave me nor forsake me. Lord, I am yours. Do with my life as you please.....just never leave me and never take your Spirit from me.

A Love Like His

Today I was thinking of how difficult the teen years have been with each of my kids.  Each one has gone through their own personal struggles and growing pains. Most difficult were the years with my daughter.  She's very reserved and modest with her emotions. She doesn't like to or doesn't know how to express her thoughts, her feelings, her desires, her struggles.  The teen years are difficult enough.  It's a time when you're trying to figure out who you are.  You're in a place where you're not a child anymore, but you're not an adult.  You want to be independent and grown up, but you don't want to grow up and be independent.  Confusing, huh? The teen years can be confusing.  And all the more if you're doing it alone, with no one to help you sort your thoughts, help you see what lies you're believing that can consume you and destroy you.

We had some very difficult days when I thought I didn't know the girl that was living in the room next to me or standing before me.  There were days when she hardly came out of her room, and days when she hardly said two words to me. There were days when she treated me like a stranger, and days when I was less than a stranger.  At least with a stranger we tend to be polite.  I wanted to give up and let go. But I couldn't.  Instead I prayed.  If I tried to talk to her, I was met with a blank stare. I'd pray.  I felt like she was slipping away from me, from our family, and more importantly from God.  So I continued to pray. I started to love her by serving her and caring for her.  During this time God showed me the meaning of grace. My daughter is not the only one who was having growing pains.  God was working in both our hearts in different ways.

A little over a year ago, she surrendered her heart to God and things have gotten better.  But she still has difficult days.  She still struggles.  There are still growing pains.  So I continue to pray for her daily and to love her...even when I don't feel like it.  And even if a part of me thinks she doesn't deserve it, I show her love.  I want her to know my love is not dependent on her behavior or on her actions.  I love her regardless of how she behaves, what choices she makes or how she feels about me.   Isn't that how Jesus loves us?  Jesus gave his life for me even though I didn't deserve His love, even though I rejected Him.  God doesn't love me because I'm good, or because I serve him well, or because I'm obedient.  He loves me despite the fact that I'm none of those things...and apart from Him, I can be none of those things.  He is patient and merciful toward me.  He doesn't reveal my sins to me all at once.  His Holy Spirit is gentle with me and quietly and gently nudges me.  When I'm judging someone, he'll whisper to me, "Remember when you used to do that?  Now you know better, but there was a time you didn't." He loved me then and He loves me now.  It was because of His love that I trusted Him and began to get closer to Him, wanting to know Him more and spend more time with Him. I want to be more like Him. I want to love Him more and live a life that honors Him.

In the same way, when we love our children unconditionally and sacrificially, they will want to get closer to us, want to know us more and spend more time with us. They will want to be more like us and want to love us more and live a life that honors us.  We want children that honor their parents, right?  Yes, that's nice.  But better still, I want my children to honor God. In honoring God, yes, they'll honor their parents, but it can't be about me.  I want my children to see Jesus in me. I want to them to want Jesus in me, to understand His sacrificial love toward them. I want them to know that they're accepted and loved just because they're my children.  That my love and God's love is not dependent on anything they say or do.  I want them to trust me.  I want them to trust God. It's not my job to change them. Only God can change their hearts. It's my job to love them, to guide them and to lead them to God.  And to do that, I need His help. I cannot love them by my own power. I need to see them through God's eyes, as God sees them. I need to love my daughter and see her as His child.  I know He has plans for her.  Whatever choices she makes, whatever thoughts she has, God is not unaware.  God is in control and He will use it all for His glory.  He will use it ALL for His glory.

Where Is My Treasure

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:21

It's all too easy to be guided by our heart's desires.  At different times in my life I have filled my treasure box with these desires and things I've treasured. These things have been most important in my life: friends, romantic relationship, successful career, finances, children, my husband.  At some time they've all taken a first priority seat. Some of these things are good things. I've desired for a successful career as a single mom so I could take care of my son and provide for him. I've desired for a good man to marry, to be a father to my son.  I've desired a good marriage, happiness for me and him. I've desired the best for my children, to be a good mom to them. But when any of these good things take priority over the One who is good over all and God over all, then I've made these good things my god. I've desired good things for the wrong reasons. God always provides for us. God is a good Father to us.  My satisfaction is in God alone.  Happiness is not always good.  Growth is sometimes painful. God is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all we can imagine, even through our mistakes as a parent, and even in a marriage that seems hopeless.   

My children are a gift from God. In fact, they belong to Him and are on loan to me. It's easy to love our children unconditionally, isn't it?  Even when they're not so loveable. When their behavior is a challenge, it's easier to love them well when I remember that they are sinners in need of grace, just like I am a sinner in need of grace. This helps me to respond with love rather than harsh discipline. Oh, there have been times I've failed to remember this. And that's why I'm in need of a Savior.  My Father makes all things right in my humility and repentance. I can also be a good mother to my children by loving their dad, my husband. Being an example of a good wife to my children. Modelling a good marriage to my children.  This means putting my husband first. It doesn't mean I love my husband more than my children. I love my children, therefore I love my husband.  And my husband is a gift from God, just like my children are a gift from God.  He has entrusted me with loving my husband well and loving my children well. I cannot be a good wife to my husband and love him well if I don't love God first.  It is God's love for me and in me that helps me to love my husband well.  Notice I say to love him 'well'.  It's easy to love him when he's loving me, but on the days he is not so loveable, it helps me to remember that he's a sinner in need of grace, just as I am, just as our children are. God loves me when I am not so loveable. In fact, he is full of grace and mercy when I'm not so loveable. Many times I have been humbled when I've behaved like a spoiled child and yet God has been gracious toward me.  Or I've been unfaithful to Him, and yet he gently calls me back to Himself and holds me close.  He fills my heart to overflowing with His love for me.  He has loved me when I don't deserve it.  

I want my priorities in my life to be what God wants them to be:  God, my husband, my children,  our extended family, friends....in that order. If I'm making God my first priority, I'm telling Him I trust Him with everyone and everything in my life. I want my heart to be first with God. I want to sincerely say He is my treasure, and I love Him with all of my heart, soul and mind.

Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.” Luke 7:47  Help me, Lord, to remember that I have been forgiven much so I can love much.  I want to love like you do.