Today I was thinking of how difficult the teen years have been with each of my kids. Each one has gone through their own personal struggles and growing pains. Most difficult were the years with my daughter. She's very reserved and modest with her emotions. She doesn't like to or doesn't know how to express her thoughts, her feelings, her desires, her struggles. The teen years are difficult enough. It's a time when you're trying to figure out who you are. You're in a place where you're not a child anymore, but you're not an adult. You want to be independent and grown up, but you don't want to grow up and be independent. Confusing, huh? The teen years can be confusing. And all the more if you're doing it alone, with no one to help you sort your thoughts, help you see what lies you're believing that can consume you and destroy you.
We had some very difficult days when I thought I didn't know the girl that was living in the room next to me or standing before me. There were days when she hardly came out of her room, and days when she hardly said two words to me. There were days when she treated me like a stranger, and days when I was less than a stranger. At least with a stranger we tend to be polite. I wanted to give up and let go. But I couldn't. Instead I prayed. If I tried to talk to her, I was met with a blank stare. I'd pray. I felt like she was slipping away from me, from our family, and more importantly from God. So I continued to pray. I started to love her by serving her and caring for her. During this time God showed me the meaning of grace. My daughter is not the only one who was having growing pains. God was working in both our hearts in different ways.
A little over a year ago, she surrendered her heart to God and things have gotten better. But she still has difficult days. She still struggles. There are still growing pains. So I continue to pray for her daily and to love her...even when I don't feel like it. And even if a part of me thinks she doesn't deserve it, I show her love. I want her to know my love is not dependent on her behavior or on her actions. I love her regardless of how she behaves, what choices she makes or how she feels about me. Isn't that how Jesus loves us? Jesus gave his life for me even though I didn't deserve His love, even though I rejected Him. God doesn't love me because I'm good, or because I serve him well, or because I'm obedient. He loves me despite the fact that I'm none of those things...and apart from Him, I can be none of those things. He is patient and merciful toward me. He doesn't reveal my sins to me all at once. His Holy Spirit is gentle with me and quietly and gently nudges me. When I'm judging someone, he'll whisper to me, "Remember when you used to do that? Now you know better, but there was a time you didn't." He loved me then and He loves me now. It was because of His love that I trusted Him and began to get closer to Him, wanting to know Him more and spend more time with Him. I want to be more like Him. I want to love Him more and live a life that honors Him.
In the same way, when we love our children unconditionally and sacrificially, they will want to get closer to us, want to know us more and spend more time with us. They will want to be more like us and want to love us more and live a life that honors us. We want children that honor their parents, right? Yes, that's nice. But better still, I want my children to honor God. In honoring God, yes, they'll honor their parents, but it can't be about me. I want my children to see Jesus in me. I want to them to want Jesus in me, to understand His sacrificial love toward them. I want them to know that they're accepted and loved just because they're my children. That my love and God's love is not dependent on anything they say or do. I want them to trust me. I want them to trust God. It's not my job to change them. Only God can change their hearts. It's my job to love them, to guide them and to lead them to God. And to do that, I need His help. I cannot love them by my own power. I need to see them through God's eyes, as God sees them. I need to love my daughter and see her as His child. I know He has plans for her. Whatever choices she makes, whatever thoughts she has, God is not unaware. God is in control and He will use it all for His glory. He will use it ALL for His glory.
A vessel with many cracks...may His glory shine through my cracks.
